ytd, i seek God for his help.ytd i told Him, i asked if he could reset everything and give me a chance to make things different.today's e 1st day of the start of this renew journey. somehow or rather as we meet the night of today, i reflected and thot, i didnt make today better at all. n frm today, i realize everything thing i wanted to said or do to XXX i particular thot twice.i dunno if im dng e right stuffs but somehow i knew it wasnt working. and mayb as a result i overlooked some areas. its like i dunno hw to say. there werent any reasons or rather i shd say excuses that can explain any of those. its just me. but well, heads up pearleen we'll try agn tmr. lets not give up...its really hard. i dunno hw long can i last but i know God's with me.

As i was reflecting over e last few days during zone camp, i reflected wht kind of person am i..i thot from my past childhood to youth to the days now, there was only 1 thing that i can conclude..becos He loves me, becos He's with me always, becos He never abandon me esp in times when i need help e most..thats y u know pearleen exist.she may still b one of e worse friends u ever want to meet but she is definately better than if life was w/o Him. i thot what if life was w/o God, then i think, wht most likely will happen in the period that most kids are expose to the highest chances of gng astray is that i might end up having tatoos rebellious rude 7 days a week only come back 2 days reach hm early in e morning at 6 visit pubs n clubs n even worst stuff which it could be really bad to mention..but u know, pearleen today though still having many bad habits, at least u still see her around, u still see her as wht u see, trying to believe everything as positive as she can and making things better and good...most imptly, u still see her today y becos she ever really wanted to do e most foolish thing on earth..given my implusive character, i believe i wld have screw many things up..many things wont be e same..i may have turned out to be a kid that is uncontrollable mayb ending up in a gals home..it was only becos of HIM.....

some time ago, a friend came to me saying she dun want to read my pm on msn.i asked y..she said cos its always so demoralizing...i realize even lil things lyk tt could affect ppl.she asked me to be more optimistic. she said y am i always so pessimistic..?i agree i am..and i do find it hard at times to b optimistic.e thing is that im not pessimistic as in when things gets hard.i am when in the most quiet moments..u know if challenges comes by, given my character i wld say bring it on n i'll fight..but den in those small moments, pearleen can really break down...

i really find the paths hard..i dun wanna go thru them..i know it'll shape me to become a more capable person..but sometimes i looked back and i say, i jus wanna a a simple ordinary person..i dun need to be like what e director or CEO of a company?i jus want a family getting past each day with love and smiles..i dun hav to b rich..i jus need to meet the necessarys and mayb luxury once in a while..u know, just like the ordinary families in e world..of cos u reap hw much u sow..e more u sow e more u reap..but as u sow 1 seed more each day, everything else multiply by 2..it jus isnt easy...