wanted to blog on friday, good friday but i was too tired...den ytd but kinda busy w stuff..

so shall blog today in ofc..
thurs..came back frm preview..chionging my canto shows..flaming butterflies and love guarantee..actually not chiong i jus skip to e last ep..wahaha..aiya i wont be able to watch next wk show oso wht...next wk got TTT lyk frm tues to sat?!!!burnt...but not bad la this 2 show..both shows are v diff compared to each other..flaming butterflies have a nice story line as least it relates to me..pride n winning. Love guarantee is kinda normal drama series but got my favorite actress in it...Wu Mei Heng..wahaha..i jus think she's pretty..n she looks somehow lyk lynn ng..
caught shinjuku incident with mum on sat..hmm..e movie ok la..jackie chan died in e end..for yi qi..whts tt call in eng..hmm..i dunno nvm anw..for love too..i thot the sniper might be a good show seeing its advertisment..shinjuku incident i watch for free..got free tickets ma..watch the sniper mus pay eh..well i dun mind paying but bo jio lei...mummy doesnt lyk edison chen..haha..might be busy too..but well..its called time management.. so theres no such thing as no tym...but of cos tt comes w .....................

many things n issues flashed thru my mind over the wkend esp during good friday n easter sunday..bt somehow i dun get e whole picture..its lyk bits of pieces of many different issues..n for these moments n now..i kind of felt that i hav been living my life of 19 years in vain..from ministry, school, cell, work, sport everything..i asked..hav i acheive anything?is anything and everything that im doing right?is the things im involved, doing, engaging whatsoever useful. contributing to people's lifes or am i jus irritating ppl slowly?hav i made a diff or an impact in other's life?hav i contributed something good in any way?hav i bless anyone..?serious..hav i bless anyone?

at this moment, i jus felt i hav been a useless..i felt im a total failure..for instance..if i were to jus disappear or die..how many ppl would hav bother, realise and even at my furneral, what kind of words are said to me?what are the left words ppl has about me n to me?i picture it and realise that ppl who came are jus less than a handful..I cant picture ppl crying..positively put it..they noe i'll go heaven so they arent upset..but i noe, the u reading this noes the underline..even knowing n thinking of such stuff i jus dunno where to start from..wht shd change or rather i do know tt few things in me tt needs a change but i noe its jus not tt..rather said..i dunno wanna change them knowing its needs to be change..for these always passing n appearing out of no where moments..it really did succeed in putting me down.i serious wonder my existence n significance..simple eg..hw many ppl actually do rmb my birthday or simple details of me w/o reminders?hw many really love me for who i am..love me no matter wht..who really cares for me..who will go all out to jus make me happy or to do wht it takes to tell me that they do care for me?to some friends in my life..i will say..i will if there is a need to to put my life at stake for their safety. I wouldnt mind exchanging mine for theirs..but i wonder will dere be any1 who will do tt for me?i seriously thought my existence n significance to their lives..i wouldnt even dare to ask them to rmb my birthday..even so..as time pass..its possible to tell..

dun worry, im fine..even if no one loves me..i noe God does..I noe Jesus does..this good friday made me realise..many a times..becos of His omipresence..i have jus taken granted of His love for me. But seeing Him nailed on e cross to redeem me really makes my heart sink. and even if everyone abandons me..i will jus live a live of my own..knowing its only me to blame..

during easter sunday in bcm..uncle daniel played nick's video..nick was born w no limbs and hands and its really amazing how his life has been..one thing he said.. we are a family..we dun compare sufferings. it hit me..with that.. i will from now on..not compare efforts and sacrifice in XXX, in XXXXXX.i will wont compare ur love for #####, me and #####.even though said, though i will still not be able to overcome it,but i'll give it my best. I'll put them in my heart less to hurt u.

there are some issues i thought.i really gave a serious thought to them but i jus could not release myself and find the solutions, come out w a decision, most imptly a right decision.i really dunno wht to do..i really really gave it serious thought.i broke down..whatever i can..but i really couldnt come up w e right thing. im really lost.but time wouldnt wait for me..tell mi..teach mi..wht shd i do?where can i start from?everything.i dun hav a clue at all..im gng crazy.